Percy Pig has done a runner

As previously mentioned many times by Wanstead and Rum, the fabled M&S food in Wanstead is not happening.

Wanstead’s Favourite M&S blog will have you believe it is, however today’s news brought to our attention by @amk_xx on twitter shows that M&S is scaling back on its expansion plans and closing stores.

Why would they open in Wanstead when there is a store in South Woodford a stones throw away. Not to mention the big one in Stratford.

The reality is, after the Conservation Society and it’s Nazi ruling on signs, backed up by Wanstead’s Favourite Blog – M&S have had their hand forced.

If it wasn’t for this dictatorship then the M&S would have opened and would probably stay open.

So, we know where the blame lies…

Smoke and Mirrors

First you were promised an M&S by the end of January – #fakenews – and then Wanstead’s favourite Vape Blog promised that the old Roast building was going to be a Vape shop like the one in South Woodford, before then saying “its probably just going to be an Indian again”. Again #fakenews and somewhat disrespectful to people trying to make a business work.

To be written off before it has even revealed its self is not good form. Plus it proves that our Friends over at Wanstead’s Favourite Blog know nothing, John Snow.

We can reveal, because the big sign says so on the front, it is going to be a Mediterranean Restaurant. It’s been many things over the years, an Indian, a Thai, a Roast, a Thai again and now a Mediterranean.

We know how the friends of our friends will respond:

“Oh, not another Mediterranean restaurant, we want an Organic Carrot and Cucumber Restaurant with Vegan decor.”

Well ‘name to be confirmed’ we are looking forward to it. It is one less empty unit on our dying High Street and if you can get eight what the other entrepreneurs have failed to do so in the past, then good for you.

Wanstead and Rum Love a bit of the Med so we will venture along for a taste and some vino. Let’s hope you get rid of the dead mouse smell that haunted the place and please offer people plastic straws if they want them.

The unit next door is under offer, so we still might get the KFC, Subway or Paddy Power we need, although rumour has it the old Santander is under offer from Paddy, he like to make himself known and it is the Grand National soon.

Got Beef?

Wanstead’s Gastro Pub enthusiasts we’re left hungry after the chain failed to deliver slabs of leather on the much celebrated ‘Steak Night’.

The problem was down to supplier issues, not enough bovines available to fill the 900 strong chain demand.

Wetherspoon did offer chicken as an alternative and Wanstead and Rum can confirm that it is just as chewy as the Beef offering.

Wanstead and Rum provided a public duty and visited The George on the High Street to do some investigation.

First we spoke with Fred, 45, who was in his work attire straight from the building site and looking to fill his hunger pains with the £7 for a steak and a pint deal.

“Well it’s just not on like! Work my body to the bone today I have and was really looking forward to a steak with chips. I would probably leave the peas mind. Who wants bloody chicken on a steak night too! I’m not having it.”

When asked why he was still here and had not popped over to BBQ Express or the newly fronted Wanstead Kebab House, he replied.

“Well at £2.35 a pint of beer, I’m not giving my seat up. I’ll just have some beef crisps to get me through.”

We spoke to the management regarding the crisis.

John, 19, the shift manager had this comment:

“We are really upset at the situation, we will have steaks tomorrow.”

After a stroll up the High Street for some Fois Gras and Cote de Boeuf at Provender, we stopped a couple of locals for comment.

Sharon, 22, was on her way The George and we broke the news to her.

“Well I’m going to pop in and see if they have some, you never know. And I thought Wanstead had cows roaming the streets!? Can they not just use them?”

We are not sure what Sharon ended up eating, but we really enjoyed our steak.

Were you affected? Let us know in the comments.

M&S update

Well well well.. Wanstead’s favourite fake news site continues to promise Wanstead an M&S food and what’s more exciting is that it will be before the end of the month. The month has not been determined and the wool has been pulled over our eyes as January only has 9 more days left and there is no sign a a Percy Pig builder in sight!

We all know the truth, we were all set to have an M&S before the end of 2017 and it was on course. However the Wanstead mafia, which includes our friends at the worlds favourite Wanstead Blog, put a stop to it because they objected to an illuminated sign with the letters ‘M&S’ lighting up the High Street like Blackpool!

The issue is, they took it too far and so M&S have bailed.. now the Wanstead Mafia are desperately trying to lure M&S back and make out to the unsuspecting residents of Wanstead that they have ‘made’ it happen.

It WAS happening before those stuck in the 1800’s (and probably born) decided to get all political with no input from regular residents. M&S are not even advertising for staff for the fabled store which is another indication that it is NOT happening any time soon.

There are lessons to be learnt here, however unless the normal folk of Wanstead stand up to the mafia and ask for consultation on matters, we are afraid that this will happen again and again…

Remember, the Wanstead Mafia are all for local shops for local people.. that is unless a chain like Gail’s, The Ginger Pig or M&S are involved and there is money to be made (remember Gail’s splattered all over Wanstead’s favourite Bakery Blog… that was not done as a gesture of good will..).

So, do you want to make a change? Should we have a panel with regular people of Wanstead decide on important matters of signage, the type of establishment we want? Yes you do! Would you rather have an empty unit on the High Street or an actual business providing jobs for local people? We would like your say below.

EXCLUSIVE

Whilst advising you fine folk of the underlying problem, this has just come in from M&S:

Free (Plastic) Straws

You are probably all aware that the people with nothing better to do are trying to rid Wanstead of plastic straws. I mean this was front page news on the Standard! Clearly celebrities had a day off from flashing a boob or something similar.

Wanstead’s favourite Straw Blog is reporting on local business that have signed up to the scheme and are encouraging more, giving them a hefty pat on the back for doing so.We at Wanstead and Rum Towers have an issue with this.. Firstly plastic straws are only a problem for the environment if you choose to dispose of them irresponsibly. The sensible people would either recycle them or shred them to avoid them from getting stuck up a Sea Turtle nose, what are they snorting through them!?!Secondly children… no straws means a disaster when going for luncheon with ones children. Juice everywhere! Paper straws go soggy resulting in upset children.Thirdly, our friends over at Wanstead’s Favourite Community Blog think paper straws are the answer..We fail to see this. Already we can see that Wanstead’s Favourite Tree Blog is taking matters into their own hands and are felling trees in order to keep up demand for paper straws!This upsets us. At Wanstead and Rum we love a bit of tree hugging and the more paper straws then the fewer trees we will have lining our streets.So to combat this Wanstead and Rum have come up with the campaign “Save the Trees, free plastic straws for all!’ Wanstead and Rum have ordered a container of straws from China which should be here by the weekend. We will be on the High Street handing these out FREE of charge to the lovely people of Wanstead. We will also be supplying all of the paper straw outlets with a supply that they can give to customers who wish to use plastic over paper, all under the counter of course.You have a choice people of Wanstead. Remember, switching to paper straws only moves the problem. Be sensible and recycle the straws, think of the Sea Turtles and their addictions!

Sign of the times

Happy New Year!

2018 is clearly the year of the sign in Wanstead, and Wanstead’s Kebab House is the latest commercial venue to remove it’s sign in preparation for a new one.

Wanstead Society members were dribbling with anticipation as they looked forward to “Kebabaria” elegantly sketched in light caligraphy, the crackled goose grey letters complemented by a Farrow and Ball duck egg blue background.

It was not to be, as the Kebab House’s proprietor was just having a little joke, as he put exactly the same sign back up again. Environmentalists will no-doubt be over-the-moon with this land-fill-loving approach.

Wanstead and Rum takes a pro-kebab stance generally, as it considers it self to be fairly liberal when it comes to eating habits and Wanstead’s single kebab house offers a cuisine not seen elsewhere on the high street.  The Rum recommends the Chicken Shish.  Fluffy white pitta, lightly grilled medallions of chicken tikka, a sprinkle of salad, a dash of garlic sauce and garnished with four pickled chills. Voila! It’s to die for, and very similar to a recipe that can be found Nigella’s Christmas Cock-Book.

Which reminds me, this author once met a lover in a kebab house. Mario (of Kashmiri Spice, Manchester) couldn’t keep his eyes of me as he shaved the dribbling sides of his pork sword in to my clammy naan.

We digress…

Wanstead and Rum is pushing for the compulsory purchase half the coffee shops and nail bars, and these leases be let out to businessman from other areas of London who run high quality kebab based establishments so that we can promote this under-represented cuisine on our high street.  The little piles of vomit on the pavements of our village are a small price to pay.

To show that we are both passionate and lacking of understand of how the political system works, we’ve decided to force through our proposals through the use of a strongly worded letter and a page of signatures.  To show your support please sign below.  If we all put our best foot forward, we could make a minor difference by 2025!

Ed: We’d like to apologise for the quality of this post.  Here at Wanstead and Rum, we’ve got a bit of post-Christmas depression, and the alcohol that used to get our creative juices going has been banned until February.  We’ll endeavour to keep on top of it, but we may need to revert to the trimmed bush puns that we promised to cancel a couple of months ago.

Christmas Tree Collection

Today Wanstead’s Favourite Tree Blog reported two stories about Trees.

We at Wanstead and Rum would like to clear up a couple of things as they are publishing fake news.

Firstly the post about snapped trees on St Mary’s Drive… Those trees have been professionally cut down which is obvious from the images..

Secondly is about the Christmas Tree Amnesty from Redbridge Council.

Wanstead’s favourite fake news blog has reported that Redbridge Council have ‘Re-instated’ kerb side Christmas Tree Collection as part of the U-Turn from Redbridge to scrap the Garden Waste collection scheme from last year..

THIS IS NOT TRUE! Redbridge NEVER took away the Christmas Tree collection! See here for the original report from Redbridge on the (now cancelled) scheme: https://www.redbridge.gov.uk/redbridge-news/green-garden-waste-collections-are-changing/

The part you want to read is this:

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We at Wanstead and Rum are annoyed by this. Publishing fake news in order to get hits on the website which leads to monetisation is greed. Wanstead and Rum will never host adverts nor ask you to sell your soul to the devil to only buy from retailers by clicking though our site.

We will be contacting Redbridge Council to advise them of the fake news posted.

Don’t worry folks, we will be back to the satirical posts very soon.