Did you deserve to be in Wanstead this Christmas?

Here at Wanstead and Rum HQ, we took our Christmas preparations terribly seriously.  We allowed ourselves a generous preparation budget, and Rum Towers is looking absolutely spiffing with it’s top-of-the-range decorations, and carefully wrapped gifts of significant financial value.

We noticed that Wanstead’s Favourite Quiz Blog has put a simple quiz up recently and instead of a quiz, we thought we’d have a survey to allow you to judge whether you really belong here in Wanstead.

What kind of tree do you have?

A)  8 ft tall Norwegian Pine bought from the high street for 80 quid after insisting that multiple trees were unwrapped for careful inspection of thickness of foliage.  All decorations have some family connection, with 50% being home made.  Sprinkled in soft glow lights from John Lewis.  No chocolates, advent is a time to prepare for the coming of Christ The Lord.

B)  5 ft Swedish Pine from Ikea after joining the rush on a Saturday morning at 9am, with accompanying chocolates.  The trunk isn’t quite straight but you’ve attempted to deal with the situation but hacking the base with a saw so that it leans in the opposite direction at the bottom.  Decorations are wooden, came in a multi-pack from Debenhams in the sale last January.

C)  4 ft plastic tree, bought from Woolworths in the late nineties.  Just about fits in the box which spends most of it’s like in the loft containing its load with the assistance of parcel tape.  Lights are multi-coloured and flash.  Chocolates from the pound shop, and some of them are from last year and have gone a bit white in their packaging.

How have you bought your gifts?

A)  After multiple trips to Oxford Street, each gift has been carefully selected from a boutique retailer in Selfridges.  Wrapping has crisp folds and bows are ties carefully with the ends cut at an angle.

B)  Amazon Prime is the saviour of Christmas, with purchases being left until the last possible moment, confident in the promise of next-day-delivery.  Neighbourhood-shuffles happen after dark where packages are re-distributed to the correct people on the road.  Gifts are wrapped in a fairly slap dash way using whatever paper happens to be in the draw.  Bows and ribbons do not feature

C)  Gifting is an afterthought dealt with on Christmas morning, where things from around the house are wrapped up in newspaper.  This year, your nephew Alfie got half a pint of warm bitter than you walked home from The George with on Christmas Eve.  Some of the smaller children will get plastic toys from Poundland which thankfully you didn’t remember to get batteries for.

How did you fund your Christmas?

A)  Popped it on the Gold Amex darling, and partner deals with the rest.  Apparently the Avios are terribly handy, or something,

B)  Popped it on the Barclaycard, but winced with every purchase, praying that you’d not hit your limit.  Can’t sleep at night in the knowledge of the bill expected in Mid January.

C)  Sold smack in November and performed a small amount of Burglary and light shop lifting in December to keep yourself in the black.  Have been rejected for all forms of credit since missing HP repayments on DFS three piece suite bought in 1991

What did you do on Christmas Day?

A)  Roasted ninety quids worth of Ginger Piggery Turkey to perfection while wearing a M&S Christmas jumper and sipping a port.  Dashed out for Church mid-morning and returned to turn the oven up for the roasties.  Handled everything in stride, did not highlight the Brexit voter to the rest of the gathering during dinner.  Opened family presents in the afternoon before heading off for a stroll around the park.  Had the kids in bed by seven, popped the telly on for 40 minutes of call-the-midwife and didn’t throw up or scream at the pommy accents.

B)  Awoke at 5am by 9-year old demanding to know whether he could go downstairs to unwrap his Nintendo Switch.  No he couldn’t.  Awoke at 5:30am by 9-year old demanding to know whether he could go downstairs and unwrap his Nintendo Switch.  No he couldn’t.  Awoke at 6am by 9 year old demanding to know whether he could go downstairs and unwrap his Nintendo Switch.  Retrieved Nintendo switch from downstairs, threw at 9 year old while muttering expletives in a low tone, stumped toe on bathroom door, yelped, and woke up youngest daughter.

Went downstairs with family, opened all presents very quickly in one big go.  Got shitty with partner for trying to take photographs before you had showered.   Burnt Tesco Finest turkey to a crisp, but partner said it was lovely while children scowled their way through cremated pigs-in-blankets.  Children spend all afternoon on computer games, or fighting.  Eventually wrestled them to bed at 8, before putting Clockwork Orange on the TV in the evening to make you feel better about yourself.

C)  Woke early, came downstairs to find kids had already opened their present, discarded it, and were watching CBBC.  Thought about putting Aldi battery chicken in oven, but had a Tenants Super to pick you up instead.  Sat on sofa and watched back-to-back Christmas TV.  During low point, put Only Fools and Horses on Dave.  Social Services pop around in the early afternoon and deliver hot food for children.  Pass out somewhere around 8, to be woken up by Pommy Nurse offering gas-and-air.  Turns out to be Miranda Hart, throw Tenants Super at TV.

What are your ambitions for 2018?

A) Hope to run small boutique on high street to keep oneself occupied.  Will sell individual arts and crafts, hopefully breaking even, but frankly that doesn’t really matter.  May stock artisan nibbles for preferred customers.

B)  Attending one of Wanstead’s Churches all year and collecting appropriate amount of god-stamps to get child in to local critically acclaimed primary school.  Pray or Pay and you’ve googled Forest School’s fees.

C)  Maintain Alcoholism and Job concurrently.  Avoid social services taking the Children.

So,  How did you get on?

Mainly A’s – You are Old Wanstead.  You will be here until the day you die, when your children will dance around in the money they got when they sold your house.

Mainly B’s – You are New Wanstead.  You have a mortgage you can’t really afford, a stressful job, awkward kids, you are pretty tired most of the time.

Mainly C’s – You are not from around here and you have stumbled on this website by mistake.  Off you toddle.

Let us know how your Christmas went in the comments below!


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