Party Poopers

There was concern for the welfare of Wanstead children this month, as officially audited accounts of Wanstead parents show that spending on children’s birthday parties has reduced from GBP190m in 2016 to GBP189m in 2017.

This represents a 1% downturn in spending and the militant little shits are outraged.  Johnny (5) of Mansfield Avenue, is leading Children-Uniting-Nasty-Trends-In-Excessive-Spending (CUNTIES)

“Last year mummy organised a party in the church hall with a bouncy castle and an entertainer, and 44 of my friends from my two different nurseries.”

“This year, it was party-rings and pass the parcel in the kitchen.  It had been deliberately organised on a Friday rather than a weekend just to keep the numbers down, and although I can’t prove it, I think the tight cow wrapped the whole thing up for less that fifty quid.”

Research by this website suggests that the average children’s party in Wanstead consists of twenty children running riot in a soft play for 45 minutes, while the mothers gossip about what reading level their children are on.

This is followed by 20 plates of the highest quality turkey twizzlers and yesterdays chips, accompanied by no-added-sugar squash watered down so much it tastes like rain, and birthday cake with icing with such a kick that you find yourself wondering whether the chef accidentally dropped a couple of lines in to it.  Just to prove you are middle class, someone puts a down a bowl of carrot sticks with humous which obviously none of the kids go anywhere near.

If you hunt around, you can get this kind of wondrous experience for just short of 500 bucks.


Verity (7) of St Mary’s Avenue (The exceptionally affluent end) is one of the lucky few who saw an increase in spending this year, after her daddy Ronnie had a particularly strong year avoiding tax.

“Last year, everyone arrived on their pony,” Explained Verity, “but the horses were asked to stay outside and were only given Waitrose Organic Carrots and Avocado Pears to munch, while the children partied inside with entertainers provided by Princess Charlotte’s Montessori nursery .

“This year, Daddy really threw the boat out.  While my friends and I enjoyed a private rendition of The Nutcracker courtesy of the Royal Opera House in the east wing, each of the Ponies was given a private prance by Zara Tindall, and a party bag containing  a tube of the finest stallion semen.”


A source close to the Wanstead Society has indicated that there’s an undisputed correlation between the amount of money spent on a birthday party, and how much you love your child.

If you spend less that £400 you clearly don’t love them enough.  Get out of Wanstead you filthy pauper.

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