Wanstead families implicated in Paradise Papers

Wanstead and Rum are disappointed to report that the shocking tax evasion tactics reported in the Paradise Papers leak have spread to Wanstead.

We have been so inundated with disgusting aggressive tax avoidance strategies employed by Wanstead residents, that we are only able to report the top five.

In fifth place:

Suzie (27) from Addison road was given one thousand pounds last year from an elderly relative, and decided at first to put it in her current account.  All would have remained well, but then Suzie got greedy.  After taking advice from a so-called financial adviser, Suzie decided to move the money to a complicated investment instrument which exploits a government loophole to avoid paying tax on savings.  It’s called an ISA.

A remorseful Suzie explained: “It just seemed like daylight robbery to pay 20 percent tax on the interest, and I was offered this alternative arrangement and I liked it.  I didn’t think really about what I was doing.”

Suzie has since been reported to the Inland Revenue.

In fourth place

John, from Grosvenor Road, took one look at his P60 from the last tax year and decided it simply wasn’t worth him getting out of bed.

“I just packed my job in.” explained John.  “Saved myself a fortune in income tax.  I’ve had to tighten my belt on other things of course:  all of my meals now come from The George, and it looks like I might have to sell the house and move to Buckhurst Hill, but is worth it for the tax avoidance.”

In third place

Lucky (19) and Keith (57) got married last year, just two weeks after Lucky landed on the tarmac from Bangkok.  Keith had recently had to commit to a rather large Foreign Exchange transaction, and so wanted to save money on the refreshments at their wedding.

“I hired a van, got a cheap ferry ticket and drove over to France.” explained Keith. (As Wanstead and Rum were hastily making notes)

“I loaded the transit with cheap red French plonk, topped it up with couple of hot young refugees for the after party, and smashed back across the border having saved myself over £200 in UK taxes.”

“Of course I was only able to do it because the garlic-munching EU-loving Frenchies were so hospitable to the cause.  You wait until Brexit kicks in, I’m sure it’ll be almost free then, the outlook for our currency is so strong.”

In second place

Henry (19) is a lover of fast food, and a student at Teeside University (but don’t look for this in The Times Good University guide, folks) but a resident of Wanstead in the holidays

Henry aggressively avoids tax by claiming to be ‘eating out’ every time he visits McDonalds.

Henry confessed:

“Every time I’m asked, I just say ‘eat out’ and avoid the VAT.  I don’t even have to think about it anymore.  Then, I slope around the corner, empty the contents of my take-away bag on to a tray and help myself to a seat.”

Henry, grinning like a Cheshire cat at his cunning, went on:

“I reckon that, over the years, I’ve avoided over £14.50 in VAT.  Always thinking, me.”

In First Place

Ronnie (54) has been a derivatives broker for thirty years, and works “Up Taaawn”.  Ronnie explained how through a series of complicated transactions he is able to hide his real income, while paying the school fees on the QT.

“I didn’t start this, wiv the aim o saving money on tax, y’ understand son.  I just wanted to keep the real deal away from the misses, stop her moanin’ about how I spend too much y’ know.”

“It does have the healthy side effect of keeping The Rev off your case though.  What I does, is this:”

Ronnie leaned forward.

“First, I gets paid most of my money in to Gringots.  Then I have it wired using flu powder to an account in the Cayman Islands.  From there, I’ve got a complicated and informal tri-party Repo arrangement with me, Lewis Hamilton, and the chap who runs Metropolis in Bethnal green.”

“Wheneva I need a few bob, I pop in to Metropolis, and go fur a private dance wiv Babs.  While she’s busy munchin, Vic pops over and hands me a wedge of cash that’s clean as a whistle.  Forest School are all too pleased to take a stack of slightly clammy fifties for the education of young Vinnie.”

TheRum (1)

No-one wants to pay tax, but Ronnie sounds like a proper Current Bun reading Geezer – so can be forgiven for his minor indiscretion.

The Rum however feels that Suzie, John, Keith and Henry should be bought to justice using the full strength of the Law.

What Do You Think?

  • Should we bring back capital punishment specifically for the purposes of punishing folk who eat-in when they’ve said “Take Away”?
  • Should people without A-levels be allowed to own Private Jets?

Leave your comments below!


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