Snow Dear…

Oh dear… the first snow of the season has fallen this morning and it can only mean one thing..

PANIC!

Wanstead and Rum sent the kids out to catch the snow on their tongues, and we can reveal that it is the wrong type of snow.

This can only mean one thing, public transport will be well and truly broken.

Tubes will be delayed, if able to run. Trains will be cancelled, buses will be over crowded. Whatever will the Wanstead working class folk do!

We could walk or jump on the W12 Variety Bus to Walthamstow and get the Victoria line into the city. We could get Uber’s to Stratford or the middle class lot could even attempt to drive (or get your driver to drop you off). Don’t expect a car share though.

Wanstead and Rum however believe that we should all just declare Snow Days, attach the unused tennis rackets to your feet and venture into the High Street and camp in one of the Public Houses and drink mulled wine until it passes over.

Make sure you get some lovely blurry photos on your smart phone and submit them to Wanstead’s Favorite Photo Blog, who knows they might even publish one or two after checking you aren’t out to tease them! 😉

We can’t HEAR you, Aldersbrook

Wanstead’s Favorite mobile signal status blog posted last week on the state of the Vodafone signal in Aldersbrook.  Sue’s husband, Dom, was papped by The Rum as he had been sent in to the park to try and pop a bet on the the horses.

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This is yet another attempt from Aldersbrook trying to stretch the Wanstead boundary and claim true Middle Class status.

We see the same valiant efforts also come from Snaresbrook and even parts of Leytonstone at times, and The Rum feels more than qualified to adjudicate on matters as it’s offices are spitting distance from Wanstead tube – and is therefore our status is not in question as The Authority.

Wanstead and Rum sent a man (or person if that offends you) to find out the obsession with Wanstead and why Aldersbrook and Snaresbrook want this title.  Our representative first ventured into the Public House deprived area of Aldersbrook, avoiding the tumbleweed that threatened to bowl him over.

The Rum caught up with Meghan (36) from Merlin Road to ask why she feels Aldersbrook should be part of Wanstead:

“Well, we tried to buy a house in Wanstead but we were out priced and Harry has blown the budget quite royally on my ring.  Aldersbrook was the next best location we could afford and it’s only a 10 minute bus ride on the 101.

“Aldersbrook’s enhanced conservation status means the properties are beautifully middle class, with hardly any pebble-dash, and very few of those terrible plastic windows you see around central Wanstead.  Most Aldersbrook residents make sure they go to the high street to get right-royally-ripped-off at least twice a week, so we believe we should be ‘in’.”

Next was Iain (56) from Dover Road:

“I’m a member of Wanstead Golf Club, if they allow members from outside the current Wanstead boundaries then they should bring those areas into Wanstead. Plus, we live next to Wanstead bloody Flats and Wanstead friggin Park!”

Finally (because our representative was parched and Aldersbrook has no pubs) we spoke with Thalia (38) from Park Avenue on the way home:

“We used to live in Wanstead and plan to return, however we had to move to Aldersbrook for Thea’s education.  It was the only guarantee of getting into an Ofsted Outstanding school without pretending to be religious and learning hymns, and we felt a little uncomfortable doing that.  Instead, we’ve chosen a totally different type of hypocrisy, by renting in Aldersbrook for a year to cheat the boundaries before moving back home..

“If only they would just change the boundaries, we would never have had to rent out our home on St Mary’s Drive for the year.”

Our representative was due to walk up the high street to Snaresbrook to continue his research, but the 47 mile walk from Aldersbrook took it’s tole, and he never made it further than The Cuckfield.

Still! with the information we had, we decided to call Redbridge Council (no issues with Vodafone at Rum HQ) to put the case to them surrounding the solid reasons we had to stretch the boundaries of Wanstead to Aldersbrook and Snaresbrook.

Surprisingly we got straight through and spoke with Johny Lazyarse, who was answering a call during a 5 minute shift in between a fag break and knock-off time at 16:15.

After a touch of light social engineering with Johnny, Wanstead and Rum can now exclusively reveal the newly proposed boundaries, which will be implemented without consultation (will they never learn!).

  • Browning Road and the corner of Harvey Road and the High Street in Leytonstone will become honorary parts of Wanstead which are significant additions as they house popular overpriced drinking establishments in the form of The North Star, The Red Lion and The Birds.
  • These will form an island which will be connected in the medium term by a dedicated shuttle service to The Manor House.  The map below shows details of the new boundary, and the dotted line shows the shuttle service

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  • A titbit has been thrown at Aldersbrook:  The George will be moved brick-by-brick to Woodlands Avenue as part of a two year trial to see whether it can cope with the running of An Amenity.  If all goes well, they could work towards a newsagent in 2021.

What do you make of these changes? We would love to hear your thoughts below.

To laugh or not to laugh..

Well, it appears Wanstead is not big enough for more than one blog, or at least one with a second opinion and some banter.

Whilst we at Wanstead and Rum Towers are simply injecting a bit of light hearted fun into peoples lives, Wanstead’s ‘you can only be a member if you are super middle class and agree with us’ blog has decided to snub Wanstead and Rum and block us from commenting on their fantastic array of ‘it is our way or the highway’ posts on the web and Facebook.

This also continues to other Wanstead community pages on Facebook and even as far as the dictatorship of the Wanstead Society.

Wanstead and rum would like to ensure readers that we support an open press, and as such comments on this site will always be accepted and posted below

So, if we can only have one blog in Wanstead, we can exclusively reveal that it will be….. Wanstead and Rum!

Yes, we will beat the bullies! and we will continue to inject some fun into your lives.

See you all down the George!

Party Poopers

There was concern for the welfare of Wanstead children this month, as officially audited accounts of Wanstead parents show that spending on children’s birthday parties has reduced from GBP190m in 2016 to GBP189m in 2017.

This represents a 1% downturn in spending and the militant little shits are outraged.  Johnny (5) of Mansfield Avenue, is leading Children-Uniting-Nasty-Trends-In-Excessive-Spending (CUNTIES)

“Last year mummy organised a party in the church hall with a bouncy castle and an entertainer, and 44 of my friends from my two different nurseries.”

“This year, it was party-rings and pass the parcel in the kitchen.  It had been deliberately organised on a Friday rather than a weekend just to keep the numbers down, and although I can’t prove it, I think the tight cow wrapped the whole thing up for less that fifty quid.”

Research by this website suggests that the average children’s party in Wanstead consists of twenty children running riot in a soft play for 45 minutes, while the mothers gossip about what reading level their children are on.

This is followed by 20 plates of the highest quality turkey twizzlers and yesterdays chips, accompanied by no-added-sugar squash watered down so much it tastes like rain, and birthday cake with icing with such a kick that you find yourself wondering whether the chef accidentally dropped a couple of lines in to it.  Just to prove you are middle class, someone puts a down a bowl of carrot sticks with humous which obviously none of the kids go anywhere near.

If you hunt around, you can get this kind of wondrous experience for just short of 500 bucks.

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Verity (7) of St Mary’s Avenue (The exceptionally affluent end) is one of the lucky few who saw an increase in spending this year, after her daddy Ronnie had a particularly strong year avoiding tax.

“Last year, everyone arrived on their pony,” Explained Verity, “but the horses were asked to stay outside and were only given Waitrose Organic Carrots and Avocado Pears to munch, while the children partied inside with entertainers provided by Princess Charlotte’s Montessori nursery .

“This year, Daddy really threw the boat out.  While my friends and I enjoyed a private rendition of The Nutcracker courtesy of the Royal Opera House in the east wing, each of the Ponies was given a private prance by Zara Tindall, and a party bag containing  a tube of the finest stallion semen.”

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A source close to the Wanstead Society has indicated that there’s an undisputed correlation between the amount of money spent on a birthday party, and how much you love your child.

If you spend less that £400 you clearly don’t love them enough.  Get out of Wanstead you filthy pauper.

Concern for the Fern

Well it’s is that time of the year again where the Wanstead Christmas Tree saga is the unnecessary topic for discussion.

Over the years we have had to deal with a leaning tree, a half lit tree, potentially no tree, and even an angsty tree that would not light up after the local children counted down from 10 to 0.

Well this year Wanstead and Rum can reveal that the tree is now securely in place, ready for the big switch on. (date and time TBC)

So what will the saga be this year? Already we can see that the star is not straight, possibly a testament to the tree being an atheist?

At Wanstead and Rum we’re confident that this year will go without a hitch! #it certainly seems very popular. In the short time that we observed the tree, it was visited by three families with small children, was bumped in to by one hasty dad reading his phone on the way to the tube station, and carefully inspected by three dogs each doing their business.

There is some nervousness that the tree has been dressed in a star without its consent, with some questioning whether the wishes of the fern had been considered.

Mary (26) from Elmcroft Avenue explained:

“Tree’s have feelings too. Let them express themselves. If the tree wants to replace the star with a tiara then let it be.”

Mary has stated that she will be starting a crowd funding campaign to buy the tree a tiara to replace the wonky star. Details will be posted on Wanstead and Rum when the campaign is up and running.

Wanstead and Rum contacted Redbridge Council about the issue. After 57 rings, Billy from the front desk finished picking his nose and answered our call to give the matter his urgent attention:

“Well guv, with all the heat we have had over the years from the people of Wanstead, we thought it best to get the tree in early. However this may have back fired on us. We have simply given the locals more time to find things wrong with it.

“One lady called the other day stating it was too fat, another saying it was the wrong shade of green. Apparently it is not the Wanstead green? Then we had a guy call asking about the lumens rating of the bulbs. Finally there was a concern that it was self-harming after one of the larger branches blew off.

I expect we will have to change the tree several times before the switch on before local residents are content.”

What do you think? Wanstead and Rum would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Wanstead families implicated in Paradise Papers

Wanstead and Rum are disappointed to report that the shocking tax evasion tactics reported in the Paradise Papers leak have spread to Wanstead.

We have been so inundated with disgusting aggressive tax avoidance strategies employed by Wanstead residents, that we are only able to report the top five.

In fifth place:

Suzie (27) from Addison road was given one thousand pounds last year from an elderly relative, and decided at first to put it in her current account.  All would have remained well, but then Suzie got greedy.  After taking advice from a so-called financial adviser, Suzie decided to move the money to a complicated investment instrument which exploits a government loophole to avoid paying tax on savings.  It’s called an ISA.

A remorseful Suzie explained: “It just seemed like daylight robbery to pay 20 percent tax on the interest, and I was offered this alternative arrangement and I liked it.  I didn’t think really about what I was doing.”

Suzie has since been reported to the Inland Revenue.

In fourth place

John, from Grosvenor Road, took one look at his P60 from the last tax year and decided it simply wasn’t worth him getting out of bed.

“I just packed my job in.” explained John.  “Saved myself a fortune in income tax.  I’ve had to tighten my belt on other things of course:  all of my meals now come from The George, and it looks like I might have to sell the house and move to Buckhurst Hill, but is worth it for the tax avoidance.”

In third place

Lucky (19) and Keith (57) got married last year, just two weeks after Lucky landed on the tarmac from Bangkok.  Keith had recently had to commit to a rather large Foreign Exchange transaction, and so wanted to save money on the refreshments at their wedding.

“I hired a van, got a cheap ferry ticket and drove over to France.” explained Keith. (As Wanstead and Rum were hastily making notes)

“I loaded the transit with cheap red French plonk, topped it up with couple of hot young refugees for the after party, and smashed back across the border having saved myself over £200 in UK taxes.”

“Of course I was only able to do it because the garlic-munching EU-loving Frenchies were so hospitable to the cause.  You wait until Brexit kicks in, I’m sure it’ll be almost free then, the outlook for our currency is so strong.”

In second place

Henry (19) is a lover of fast food, and a student at Teeside University (but don’t look for this in The Times Good University guide, folks) but a resident of Wanstead in the holidays

Henry aggressively avoids tax by claiming to be ‘eating out’ every time he visits McDonalds.

Henry confessed:

“Every time I’m asked, I just say ‘eat out’ and avoid the VAT.  I don’t even have to think about it anymore.  Then, I slope around the corner, empty the contents of my take-away bag on to a tray and help myself to a seat.”

Henry, grinning like a Cheshire cat at his cunning, went on:

“I reckon that, over the years, I’ve avoided over £14.50 in VAT.  Always thinking, me.”

In First Place

Ronnie (54) has been a derivatives broker for thirty years, and works “Up Taaawn”.  Ronnie explained how through a series of complicated transactions he is able to hide his real income, while paying the school fees on the QT.

“I didn’t start this, wiv the aim o saving money on tax, y’ understand son.  I just wanted to keep the real deal away from the misses, stop her moanin’ about how I spend too much y’ know.”

“It does have the healthy side effect of keeping The Rev off your case though.  What I does, is this:”

Ronnie leaned forward.

“First, I gets paid most of my money in to Gringots.  Then I have it wired using flu powder to an account in the Cayman Islands.  From there, I’ve got a complicated and informal tri-party Repo arrangement with me, Lewis Hamilton, and the chap who runs Metropolis in Bethnal green.”

“Wheneva I need a few bob, I pop in to Metropolis, and go fur a private dance wiv Babs.  While she’s busy munchin, Vic pops over and hands me a wedge of cash that’s clean as a whistle.  Forest School are all too pleased to take a stack of slightly clammy fifties for the education of young Vinnie.”

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No-one wants to pay tax, but Ronnie sounds like a proper Current Bun reading Geezer – so can be forgiven for his minor indiscretion.

The Rum however feels that Suzie, John, Keith and Henry should be bought to justice using the full strength of the Law.

What Do You Think?

  • Should we bring back capital punishment specifically for the purposes of punishing folk who eat-in when they’ve said “Take Away”?
  • Should people without A-levels be allowed to own Private Jets?

Leave your comments below!

 

Two dine (or not to dine) for £10

The M&S saga continues.


Wanstead and Rum can reveal that the Percy Pig pushers are reconsidering their proposed presence on the High Street.

We understand that the Wanstead Society are being intransigent on the matter of illuminated signage which is causing the delay in a decision. Representing the Society, Helen (57) had this to say:

“Well I have been shocked, offended, disappointed and outraged on so many Wanstead matters over the last six months, that I’d completely forgotten what my opinion was on M&S.  I was definitely For-It at one point. But then I did a U-turn and so I was against. Or was it two U-turns?

“I couldn’t remember so in the end I tossed a coin.  I can now report that it was ‘heads’ and am absolutely completely against any kind of shop with illuminated signage making a mockery of Wanstead and ruining the memory of Diana.”

A representative from M&S was questioned on the matter:

“We were all set to start the shop-fitting of the unit on the High Street, but we were forced to put a hold on proceedings after the Local society were not accepting of our illuminated signage.”

Wanstead and Rum caught up with some of the locals at the Farmers’ Market last weekend.

Rob (50) from Overton Drive was not pleased with the news:

“This is truly upsetting. Trinity and Elijah will be starting University this year and we were relying on M&S opening so that the house prices would rise and we could remortgage in order to buy a new yacht.  If we don’t see the increase then we will have to sacrifice the children’s education.”

Theresa (29) who preferred not to say where she lived, was confused and annoyed:

“First Wansteadiums are pushing for an M&S, then decide that due to a few light bulbs at the front of the store that it is unacceptable.”

She continued:

“Well I will tell you what is unacceptable:  I will now have to either drive to South Woodford to click and collect the food for Christmas Lunch, or subject my family to the horrors of Tesco finest!”

We at Wanstead and Rum all hope for our Percy Pig addiction, and 2 meals for £10 sake, that a resolution can be come to soon. Oh and that of our house prices.

Concern for Blog Site Stability

Utter panic hit Wanstead this morning as, for a brief moment, Wanstead’s favourite website was down, with readers greeted with the message ‘unable to establish database connection’.

Mary (38) was one of the local residents affected by the break down:

“I normally check in with the site on the school run in the morning, in-between starting the engine and doing my make up.

“Upon discovering the upsetting news, I quickly took to WhatsApp to check that that it wasn’t just a problem with my phone.”

 

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Across the road, Maive (45) was woken early by the beeping of WhatsApp, as messages started to filter from Mary.

Maive explained,

“I get nervous and anxious if I have more than one unread WhatsApp messages from the local mums groups, so as soon as I heard my phone beep, I was bolt upright, giving the issue my urgent attention.

“When I discovered the news I immediately felt a sense of loss that i haven’t felt since I accidentally reversed over Kitty in the X5.

“I used to feel safe in the knowledge that I am completely up to date with every rumor and piece of hearsay regarding commercial lettings on the high street. With the website down, who is monitoring these activities and keeping us informed?

“What would happen if another charity shop opened, and I heard about it TOO LATE?

Wanstead And Rum was interviewing Maive over a pot of tea in the immaculately laid out drawing room of her recently refurbished 1890s semi. Her husband, Paddy, popped his nose round the door during the interview and I asked him whether he had any ideas around how to alleviate Maive’s anxieties.

“She could get a fecking job, lazy eejit”

Well thank you Paddy, but who would this website write satire about then?

Local Art for Local People

Wanstead and Rum can report that Wanstead is leading the way in the art of Oxygen and Empty Space Museums on the High Street.


This is something of a trend that has gone relatively unnoticed as an actual thing, but we can reveal that this new trend was pioneered right here in E11.

Oxygen and Empty Space enthusiasts have been snapping up units by outbidding potential local business entrepreneurs and High Street chains, in order to give Wansteadiums a taste of the future.

With the high number of the museums popping up on the high street, Geoff (62) from St Mary’s Drive has taken the initiative to form the ‘Local empty units for local people’ society.

Geoff spoke with Wanstead and Rum:  “It is very important that we have a set of strict guidelines when it comes to including a new addition of an Oxygen and Empty Space museum on the High Street.  We cannot just have any old Rod, Jane or Freddy opening one without following the rules!”

He continued: “For example the unit must have been a previous local business that people thought they wanted but didn’t, take Judith’s curtain shop for example or The Orange Tree garish decor shop.  It is then important that the unit is subject to a potential offer from a High Street chain.  Banks are very good units to consider, we have already approved HSBC and the coming installation in the Santander building.”

It does not always work out though: “We were pipped at the post by Gail’s in the old Barclays building.  This was set to be our head office, but due to political reasons we lost out,  we miscalculated the demand for a £24-per-loaf bread.”

There are also exclusions: “If a unit has an offer from an estate agent or cafe then they get first refusal, but we are confident that there are more than enough units for us to have a huge presence in wanstead.”

Good luck Geoff from us all at Wanstead and Rum.
Update

Wanstead’s Favorite News site has some exciting news for Redbridge!! Good job Wanstead is already prepared.

All the trimmings


Fantastic news emerged today on Wanstead’s Favorite Gardening Blog detailing how Redbridge council has performed a u-turn on garden waste collection subscription payments.

From next year, Redbridge council will revert back to the woven sacks and fortnightly collections of all your garden waste, including the odd bit of metal and car batteries you always sneak in amongst the leaves.

Barbara (47) from Elmcroft Avenu was delighted by his news:

“This is great news. Derek is on the sick and we are saving the pounds so that we can still enjoy holidays to Benidorm. I was upset about having to pay the £1 a month for my bush trimmings to be collected by the council. My bush is so big and gets out of control very quickly if it is not maintained, so we had to take the rough with the smooth and pay the ransom.”

To add:

“Those flimsy bags used to split open with the coarse contents which was very embarrassing, especially when my bush remains were blown all over the street.”

Well done to those involved in pushing back to Redbridge on this. Glad to see that they never threw in the trowel.

Ed: We promise that’s it for Bush-Puns until December. If you want more poor jokes about your Mary, you’ll have to wait until the first day of advent.