No Room for the Dim

The 2018 school intake round is beginning, and Wanstead’s local primary schools are bracing themselves for the paperwork that will begin from next month.

Our local primary schools face a unique challenge, as 90% of Wanstead childrens IQ fall in the top 5 percent of the national average.

In a recent survey conducted by this website, 98% of Wanstead’s 4 year olds were confirmed as having intelligence that is either ‘exceptional’ or ‘unprecedented’, as independently assessed by their parents.

Mr Frump, headteacher of Nightingale-School-For-The-Offspring-of-Very-Pushy-Parents, describes the measures that have been put in place to meet the special demands of their intake:

“Accommodating the children presents a particular set of challenges, but we’ve risen to the occasion over the years, by providing tools that suit the children.  We have a just begun the installation of a Hyperloop terminal for next years’ intake, and our Large Hadron Collider opened in September and children have already begun conducting experiments for their science projects.


“I just imagine I’m running a muggle version of Hogwarts, with several hundred duplicate Hermiones.  I only smashed one of the irritating little shits in the face last term, so that’s a personal best.”

In an interview conducted on the high street, this site bumped in to parent Tracy Webster (38) and her son Archie (7), who was busy licking a discarded toffee off the window of Greggs.  Tracy had to send Archie to a school in Leytonstone two years ago after he was turned away from the Church School on Wanstead Green for not collecting enough God Stamps on Sunday mornings

“Archie is just so terribly terribly bright.” explained Tracey.  “It’s not the school’s fault per say, but I’m just not sure they’re up to stretching Archie to allow him to reach his potential.  I’m not boasting, but he knows all the words to The Grand Old Duke of York, and can identify three different types of Sticky Bun in Percy Ingle.  I just wish he was being educated by Mr Frump here in Wanstead”

Over-intelligence seems to be a problem which has spanned multiple Wanstead generations, and is causing employment issues in Wanstead’s ever competitive graduate-jobs market.  Annabelle (22) has just returned back to her parent’s home in Wanstead from Oxford where she was reading English Literature and Sociology.  She was recently selected as the successful  candidate in a part-time Barista role at The Larder.

“Well I was enjoying it for the first couple of days” explained Annabelle, “But then I realised that due to an unfortunate typo during the job search process, I wasn’t on the fast-track to Queen’s Council that I had thought.

“Daddy really lost his shit and said I wasn’t allowed back in the house until I could tie my own shoe laces.”

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