Simplified new parking regime

As posted on Wanstead’s Favorite middle class meet up regarding the new parking proposal changes, Wanstead and Rum felt we could simplify it even more.

So, here is the deal… currently some residents pay for Parking. This prevents folk parking their cars and commuting to work each morning, resulting in streets full of vehicles.

The proposal is to extend this in order to prevent folk blocking the streets off the High Street when visiting the array of Betting shops, Estate Agents and overpriced food outlets. This in turn will make cleaner air and safer roads for residents.

But… some Wanstead folk are not happy about this.

Arthur (58) from Cowley Road criticised the scheme – “One pays ones council tax and road tax already, it will be inconvenient for one to have to walk to the High Street now rather than one drive 50 yards around the corner to park outside of Gail’s and nip in for a virgin sweat infused loaf.”

Cassandra (62) from Nightingale Lane stressed – “This is simply proposterous.. expecting residents to pay £45 a year to park outside their homes and in turn making it difficult to park off the high street without asking Felicity for a day pass is not acceptable. How will I be able to afford to pay the gardener to trim my bush now?!”
Mike (43) from Mansfield Road however states – “We have paid for residents parking for years. If we are One Wanstead then we should all have to pay. Those folk who drive around the corner are not happy about not being able to park their Morris minors outside the shops need to pipe down”

So, a mixed bag of comments. Wanstead and Rum does not choose any side but does suggest that we demolish the park to make for parking spaces. Local residents should be allowed 1 hours free parking so that they can look in the Ginger Pig window whilst their butlers pop to Tesco to buy reduced meat for dinner.

No Room for the Dim

The 2018 school intake round is beginning, and Wanstead’s local primary schools are bracing themselves for the paperwork that will begin from next month.

Our local primary schools face a unique challenge, as 90% of Wanstead childrens IQ fall in the top 5 percent of the national average.

In a recent survey conducted by this website, 98% of Wanstead’s 4 year olds were confirmed as having intelligence that is either ‘exceptional’ or ‘unprecedented’, as independently assessed by their parents.

Mr Frump, headteacher of Nightingale-School-For-The-Offspring-of-Very-Pushy-Parents, describes the measures that have been put in place to meet the special demands of their intake:

“Accommodating the children presents a particular set of challenges, but we’ve risen to the occasion over the years, by providing tools that suit the children.  We have a just begun the installation of a Hyperloop terminal for next years’ intake, and our Large Hadron Collider opened in September and children have already begun conducting experiments for their science projects.

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“I just imagine I’m running a muggle version of Hogwarts, with several hundred duplicate Hermiones.  I only smashed one of the irritating little shits in the face last term, so that’s a personal best.”

In an interview conducted on the high street, this site bumped in to parent Tracy Webster (38) and her son Archie (7), who was busy licking a discarded toffee off the window of Greggs.  Tracy had to send Archie to a school in Leytonstone two years ago after he was turned away from the Church School on Wanstead Green for not collecting enough God Stamps on Sunday mornings

“Archie is just so terribly terribly bright.” explained Tracey.  “It’s not the school’s fault per say, but I’m just not sure they’re up to stretching Archie to allow him to reach his potential.  I’m not boasting, but he knows all the words to The Grand Old Duke of York, and can identify three different types of Sticky Bun in Percy Ingle.  I just wish he was being educated by Mr Frump here in Wanstead”

Over-intelligence seems to be a problem which has spanned multiple Wanstead generations, and is causing employment issues in Wanstead’s ever competitive graduate-jobs market.  Annabelle (22) has just returned back to her parent’s home in Wanstead from Oxford where she was reading English Literature and Sociology.  She was recently selected as the successful  candidate in a part-time Barista role at The Larder.

“Well I was enjoying it for the first couple of days” explained Annabelle, “But then I realised that due to an unfortunate typo during the job search process, I wasn’t on the fast-track to Queen’s Council that I had thought.

“Daddy really lost his shit and said I wasn’t allowed back in the house until I could tie my own shoe laces.”

Mrs Frosty

As is tradition on Wanstead’s Favorite Social get together to mention the first frost of the season, we thought we would jump on the band wagon with Wanstead’s First Freezer Defrosting of the season.

Luckily for us, Amanda (38) from Nutter Lane was on hand to tell us about her frosty experience.


Amanda told us – “In the summer months I like to put my panties in the freezer, clean of course, to help me cool down during those long summer nights.”

She continued – “After having 6 kids it’s difficult to self regulate in sticky conditions. After trying all the sprays, creams and rubs on the market, having some ice cold smalls in the freezer is an absolute delight at night.”

Importantly she added – “However this summer was not as hot as previous and that coupled with me and Albert trying for a 7th, we forgot about the panties and they quickly got lost in the back of the freezer amongst the frost! The kids were not taking packed lunches to school either and therefore the make shift lunch box coolers were not required, which is another use for them.”

Amanda was left in freezer defrosting hell, however she had a eureaka moment and using her House wife initiative, whipped out the hair dryer.


What could have taken 3 days to defrost took 20 minutes and the panties were in tact.

We salute you Amanda for producing the first defrosting story of the season.

Confirmed: The Nightingale is open

As reported exclusively on Wanstead’s Favorite Site earlier in the month, The Nightingale closed its doors after last orders one October night.

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Image credit: Google Street View

Well, Wanstead and Rum can exclusively reveal that after a few days The Nightingale reopened.

More so Wanstead and Rum can also exclusively reveal that sadly, after last orders the same day it closed its doors again. This was followed by the doors reopening yet again for business the very next day.

In fact, in yet another Wanstead and Rum exclusive, we can reveal that The Nightingale pub will close its doors after last orders every single night only to reopen again the following day.

We say cheers to that and look forward to a few more stoppy backs before the year is out.

You heard the news exclusively here!

 

 

Two new local facilities for Wanstead

What a weekend indeed it was for Wanstead.

After the disappointment of learning that M&S Food is set to be delayed again, there was a silver lining with the grand opening of the Wanstead Caravan Park and Wanstead Recycling Centre.

Located at the Evergreen plot on the High Street, the Campsite and Recycling Center proudly but quietly opened at 9:00pm on Saturday night.

Wanstead and Rum managed to grab some time with the new venture owner, Cormac, who was in high spirits about the opening. When asked why the Evergreen site, Cormac responded:

“Well, it already has a problem with Rats and after the failed opportunity to build houses reminiscent of ones that did exist here many years ago, followed up with an attempt to build a mosque, it was the logical next step.  Do you wanna buy a daag?”

Cormac also stated that this is only the start of his entrepreneurial activity in Wanstead.

“We have already started to trail a free collection service from the local shops and washing lines plus we will soon be assembling the team to go door to door in order to offer our high class drive way and roof fixing Services.  Did I ask ya if you wanna buy a daag??”

By Sunday morning the campsite was already very busy with Travellers who all seemed to be in good spirits and enjoying the craic and local facilities like the shops, park and The George.

The Recycling Center was also becoming very popular with empty gas canisters, old windows/doors and plaster board already recycled on site.

We asked some local residents about the new facilities.

Alice (29) was grateful that she no longer had to drive to Ilford in order to recycle her old goods.

“For me it’s great, now I can walk around the corner to recycle my old IKEA furniture which I have replaced with John Lewis furniture and save on emissions.”

Nick (42) however was less welcoming to the news.

“I shall be buying a steering wheel lock for my car, you just never know.”

It was always likely to split opinions I guess, but Wanstead and Rum believe that this is fantastic news.

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*UPDATE*

Since writing this article we understand that Cormac and Co have found an alternative site for their venture, meaning another company has left the High Street. We wish Cormac and Co all the best in the future.

Percy Pig delay causing mental health strain on Wanstead Housewives

The news that Marks and Spencers’ arrival on Wanstead’s high street has been delayed has left many a resident in distress.  The delay of yet another ludicrously overpriced way to spend hubby’s hard earned cash on our high street is too much for some to take.

Felicity (37) was found by this author in The Current, cupping a macchiato (made with locally-sourced beans, naturally) and hiding her tears behind her Jaeger scarf.

“I’ve already spent several thousand on fudge-fed Ritz-reared pork at the butchers, and dropped three hundred on B&H-smoked salmon from the fishmongers – but I was relying on Simply Food to really accelerate the spending.”

Felicity continued:

“Richard’s due home from his brokerage in twenty minutes, and I promised we’d have enough Avios points to send the Au Pair to New York to keep him company on his business trip”

Across from Felicity’s table in The Current was Addison Road resident Bertie.   Bertie had been asked to leave the martial home for an hour while everyone calmed down, after he arrived back from the co-op with the wrong type of yoghurt to feed his hideously obese child, Saffie.

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” ‘Yoghurt’ the text message said” explained Bertie.  “Obviously I’ve only myself to blame. But when confronted with all the brands my wife normally buys – Ella’s Kitchen, Yeo Valley, Innocent, – I got all panicky and just grabbed the My Little Pony ones.  I should have known about the E numbers”

If M&S can just hurry up and open shop, normal residents like Bertie can do his shop risk free.  Everyone knows 5 Reversy Percys count as one of a child’s five a day.

Boxes and Bushes

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Wanstead’s favourite website recently highlighted an environmental issue with the box tree caterpillar, with gardeners reporting that the pests are destroying well manicured hedges in the local area.

Always keen to remain journalistically neutral, this website has given a voice to the pest.

Warvey Heinstein, a resident who has hastily moved to the area said:

“I’ve been insisting that all lady gardens I’ve been in contact with over the last thirty years have had very well trimmed.  Frankly, in 2017, any gardener with more than the lightest spattering of foliage on their bush needs to get with the programme.”

Well thank you Warvey, but I’m afraid you’ve totally mis-judged the tone of E11.

 

Knock-Knock

It’s generally agreed that Wanstead provides a lot of choice for the modern drinker.  The Duke and The Manor House have great beers, food and atmosphere.  The Cuckfield has wonderful outdoor space in the summer months, and The George has cheerfully priced beers if the dole cheque has just come in, and you’d like to pop in without going through the formalities of doing your flies up.

But what about a bit of post-last-orders entertainment?

The tragic demise of Hugh Hefner – with his admirable legacy of promoting immigration from Eastern Europe – has reignited the debate amongst Wanstead Men about where to go for a bit of fun when you’ve had eight pints and the bell has rung.  Certainly not back to your own marital bed when you’ve fallen up the stairs and woken the kids up, that’s for sure.

Until now there’s only been one option, and the blue bottles orbiting the fizzing sign of the Male Grooming Centre suggest the kind of service that only suits an acquired taste and a lot of confidence.

However, it looks like there’s now another option on the horizon, and Wanstead-And-Rum brings you this EXCLUSIVE story.

28a Addison Road has stood empty since 27th August.  It was sold by the Burrages:  Ann, John, Elsie and Ollie, who sold it in a rush after Ollie discovered Ann’s stash of Asian Babe magazine in the cellar – and didn’t keep his promise not to tell his dad.  Elsie was immediately withdrawn from Forest school part way through her A-levels, which frankly let everybody down.

In the rush, it seems they didn’t pay attention to the buyer.  The land registry shows 28a is now owned by knockknockdontstop.com, the reputable firm behind Tittie-Tittie-Bang-Bang in Mayfair, and Middle-Class-Milf in Loughton.

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Blueprints – seen by this website – along with an application for a liquor licence submitted to Redbridge council last month – suggest the three bed Edwardian semi is about to be transformed in to a fetish club with 2 bars, a Dungeon, a Spanking-Wall and a Recovery Lounge –  with a complete disregard for the properties original features.

The opening date looks to be set for halloween to open with a squeal, so watch this space.

It started with Trevor

Trevor isn’t a bad man.

He’s been to school.  He’s got a degree of sorts.  He loves his mum.  He’s a family man and holds down a job.  Oh and obviously, Trevor is a pseudonym.

But occasionally Trevor just likes to light the rag at the top of a (metaphorical) petrol bomb before throwing it in to the comments section of Wanstead’s Favourite Website.

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He was warned.  And not just once.  But eventually his account was blocked, and he had nowhere to vent his anger.

Trevor, like many others out there, needs somewhere to write his satire, and somewhere to vent his thoughts.

So here it is.  Welcome to Wanstead And Rum.